COMFORTABLE SHADOWS

Several months ago I was in a sweat lodge, feeling into what I needed to give away. What came up for me was grief.

At the time I was using grief to intentionally release attachment to a relationship I was trying to create. I have had a good deal of practice sitting with my grief over the years, letting it move through me, coming into a relationship with it that approaches being comfortable.

Now, there is truth in the idea that releasing needy attachment to relationships actually opens more space for them to be. Being able to grieve well is not a bad thing either. It’s an important part of being able to let the world flow and change, as it will.

The insight in that sweat was that I was indeed comfortable in my grief. My ego knew the territory and felt satisfied about navigating it. It was clear that beyond releasing it, I could hide out there, feeling like I was doing good “work”, and yet using that space to stay safe in known, if unhappy, territory. Wrapping myself in this grief, I was less present in my life, less able to create what I thought I wanted. 

(© 9/14)

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BEYOND SUCCESS

Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,
there is a field.  I'll meet you there. 

When the soul lies down in that grass,
the world is too full to talk about.
- Rumi

Millions of years of evolution have programed Homo Sapiens for success. The success of staying alive long enough to find a mate and raise a family. It is built deeply into our brains and our minds, which are tools whose purpose is to facilitate this biological success. They do this by learning what helps us survive and what doesn't. They do this by judgement, backed up by emotional charges on all our experiences.

As social beings we have developed collective experience, collective judgement; still encoded emotionally in the brain, still aimed at being successful. The definitions of success have evolved  as we have. As our social roles have specialized so have the definitions. On top of basic survival there are now many other layers and options about what success means. But there are still definitions, and we are still programed to follow these, to be successful in some way.

With awareness and hard work you may have let go of the definitions of family, of school, of the other layers of society. But it is likely that the machinery of judgment and definition has not gone to sleep. If you have ever been in a new situation, or one that is not unfolding the way you had expected you may have felt the part of your mind that is looking for a new definition of success. It really doesn't care what it is, as long as there is one, so it can feel good about itself and what you are doing or not doing. So we take up spiritual definitions. The process hasn't really changed, the mind is still following its basic program to be successful. These may be personal, or even religious or spiritual, but the mind will have its definitions.

So like the mystics we come to the question: how do we find the place where the issue is never raised at all? That deep place of the Soul that is beyond the human mind with its conditioning and programing, where the Self is always OK. There is no goal that needs to be attained, no purpose that must be fulfilled, no test that must be passed, and the Self is so present and the world so full that the mental machinery has no place.

Once you have found this place in yourself, you can come back to worldly activities, or not. You can take up tasks which have standards, and complete them well. But you are not saddled by the internal judgments and doubts. The tasks of your life are not what define your worth as a soul. That is an absolute given. The divine loves you unconditionally, and when you can find that place yourself, the world changes and success is no longer an issue that torments or drives you. You will find out how much energy has gone into this process, how much life force you can reclaim. You can be happy "just because", not having to earn it first.

Out beyond the need for success there is a field of peace and joy. Let's meet there soon.

(© 10/11)

CONNECTED TO LOVE

Take a moment to settle yourself. Give yourself a few deep slow breaths. Feel the seat under you and the sky above.

Now set your inner attention for self love. Open to the feeling in your body and being.

Notice what just happened. Are you feeling like a child of the universe, being loved by all of Spirit? or have you just flashed into a place where you are by yourself, alone, and trying to love yourself when no one else does?

If you felt the universe loving you, then good for you. You remember that we are all unconditionally connected to Spirit and loved by the Divine, unconditionally. Perhaps you've never really thought about it because its always been there. This is as it should be. Keep up the good work and have compassion for those many of us who, in the process of being human, have forgotten that we are always held and supported by Spirit.

For many of us we come to self love only after we have given up on being loved by others, at least in a deep and clear way that we know is possible. After all we know ourselves better than anyone and who else can love us as we are, appreciate us completely and unconditionally. Looking at the energy of Self Love recently I realized that there is often a hidden association: that we have only come consciously to self love when feeling a lack of external love. Calling in the vibration of self love may therefore invoke times when we have felt alone, having to love ourselves in a "vacuum" of external love. We tend to believe that if we are truly worthy of being loved that others would show this to us.

Self love is not something that you do by yourself, you do it with the whole universe supporting you. It is a receiving of the love that is always there, unconditionally. It is an opening to inner channels and resources, not really a "doing" at all. Loving yourself as a soul is not a matter of self flattery, or puffing oneself up egotistically. It is a deep feeling of presence and love inside and round about you.

Give yourself another breath, slow and deep. Feel the richness of the air and the life force that come with it. Experience the love of the universe pouring into your lungs and feel it spreading out into your whole body. Perhaps you are still, in your minds eye, by yourself, but feel into the truth that you are not alone. Release the outside, and all memories and thoughts that make Self Love hard or heavy. Hold gently and with love any aspects that feel alone, until they relax into your attention. Feel how you are held, enfolded by your Self, by Spirit.

Breathe again and melt into the infinite love of your Self loving you, unconditionally, eternally. The Divine is holding you, as the earth supports you and the sky shines light on you. Your guides and angels are with you. You are a child of the universe, one part of the whole loving itself, and all the power of the universe is supporting you in this. Easy and natural, love yourself and know that you are never alone.

(© 10/2011)

SHOW UP, PAY ATTENTION

The first job I had out of college was in a small software development group. It was a sort of apprentice position, which meant that I handled office boy duties, while also learning about the work the group was doing. While I covered the office boy part I will admit I didn't take it as seriously as my "studies". One day my boss called me into his office and gave a bit of a discourse on "professionalism". He wanted me to show up for all aspects of my job and to commit to the minimal effort required to do them well.

I have always remembered this talk, which I took to mean that it was worthwhile to do what I had to do well, to show up and pay attention, not just for the things that interested me at the moment, but for whatever I was doing, especially if someone was paying me to do it. This is a matter of having respect for people I  interact with, whether at work, home, or play. Perhaps even more importantly it is really a matter of self respect, being fully present as my Self in all situations.

Even when you are physically present, how present are you mentally, emotionally or spiritually? This is what my boss was speaking to. We often seem to show up only as much as seems "necessary" to get something done. We are really cheating ourselves, living parts of our lives half asleep, missing opportunities to explore, learn, grow. You may not always be able to choose (in the moment) what you are doing, but you can always choose how present you are. The more present you are the more interesting things become, the more human you are with yourself and with others; being engaged. This way life has a chance to give back to you. Can you complain that life doesn't give you what you want if you aren't present to receive it? and yet we all do this at times.

While my examples have been about work, this is equally true for all aspects of living. When you are fully present you can do anything with fuller satisfaction. It impacts all your relationships. If you are not present, other people are less likely to be. When you show up engaged with yourself and open to them, they are more likely to match you. When you show up and pay attention, people feel it and respond. Spirit feels it and responds.

Decades later I still remember that talk and when I forget I meet others who set an example that reminds me. I am still challenging myself to be more present, true to my Self, engaged with my life, not just half asleep going through the motions. It is an ongoing practice. We are amazing spiritual beings in human bodies. How do you make everything as alive, as rich, as deep as possible? How do you bring all of who you are to the table all the time? Practice this for yourself, any where, any time, why wait? If you need inspiration, ask. Listen to your heart, make room for your spirit to communicate. I.e. show up and pay attention. Life is much more fun that way.

(© 9/11)[read the full article @ http://www.wholebeingexplorations.com/archives/showup/ ]

THE INNER GATEKEEPER

There is a gateway in you, a gateway of consciousness that opens to your essential self. The part of you that is on the other side of that gateway is ready to invite you in, to welcome you home to yourself. You have been through this gateway before; in the mountains, in the forests, with your children, or a lover. The peak experiences are all on the other side of this gateway. You may have thought you needed someone or something to let you through, but if you seek your Self and match your inner gatekeeper's energy you can be there any time.

Call up this part of you. Remember in your feeling body, in your being, those times you have been there before, let the part of you that knows, remember for you. Open inside and the essential will arise into your awareness. Breath deep, relax and enjoy.

Earlier this month I was co-facilitating a ceremony in the role of gatekeeper to a series of sacred spaces that participants were invited to enter to assist in releasing limitations to connecting to their essential Selves. As the first person approached the first space I felt my awareness shift into a deeper level of presence with myself and with them: an awareness in my body and being, a feeling of fullness and aliveness which I think of as the experience of my essential self. My inner gatekeeper, an aspect of my essential Self had risen for me, supporting the ceremony and all of us there.

As I asked the simple questions that invited each person to be present and to step with intention into the physical space behind me I knew that there was a deeper level to the interaction in which my essential Self was inviting each person to step through their inner gateway into their essential Self.

We are all present as our essential Selves all the time, but we are mostly aware only of the worldly personality levels of our small self. When we do connect to essence it is like a gateway that opens, that our awareness can step through into "higher" aspects of consciousness. Each time we do this deepens our awareness of this gateway so that it is more and more accessible.

Any peak experience that you have had is a time when this door was brought into awareness. Communing with a mountain, a tree, an animal, a love opens it. Remembering these experiences allow that doorway to come into awareness now, feel it inside your Self. You may imagine it as a gateway, and your essential Self as the gate keeper that welcomes you in. Just let your self match the energy of your Self and "step through".

When this doorway opens in us it can help to open the same doorway in others. This is how many of the great masters are. They are like that open door that reminds us that we all have a similar door in our own hearts, in our own beings, and reminds us how to open it.

While we can hold this energy for others, and often it is easier with others, try exploring how to hold it for yourself, to meet your own gatekeeper to your own heart. Come to know your inner gatekeeper for yourself, learn to open the gate whenever you want and then pass it along. When we can all open the gate of our hearts and meet each other in this way what a beautiful world it is.

(© 9/2011)

HOLDING EMOTIONS

Many years ago I heard a talk in which the presenter touched on the clearing of emotions. He referred to primal scream therapy, in which people are encouraged to fully express anger by yelling or screaming. He said that in studies over the years there were no consistent results. Some people seemed to find it healing and others did not, but apparently it wasn't clear why.

I know from personal experience that there can be great healing in being with my emotions, giving them space to be, feeling them in the body, and letting them go. There are beautiful practices of forgiveness, acceptance, and witnessing that are found in different traditions that are based on this.

I have also been in some pretty stuck places where it seemed that I just couldn't let go of the emotion. The emotion was all enveloping; like the heart of a thunderstorm, where you can't see the light. There have been times when I could feel that part of me found safety in an emotion, or confirmation of a belief about myself or the world, at a deep level I was attached.

Emotions are energy which is meant to move, to flow. In the course of life they arise naturally in the body, in response to different life experiences. When we can allow them to move through us like Rumi's guests, entering by the front door and exiting by the back, they are just the flow of life force in different flavors. But when we become attached, or resistant to them, we become identified with them, the flow stops and they move in.

It is said that to all things there is a season, and that is true with working the emotions too. There are times to chose to change the channel, and there are times to embrace them so that they can heal and transform. The key is in neutrality, where we can find the space and separation to have our emotions, rather than being them. Do we identify with them or have a relationship, where we can choose to let them go?

This is the answer to the question about people who have tried primal scream therapy. Those that identify with the anger, who need it to be strong, or "right", or alive, will loose themselves in it and simply pull more anger into their lives. Those who can view it like a guest that is ready to leave, or a state of being that can change, like the weather in Colorado, can express it and release it.

The key is to be able to "hold" the emotion, to have it, but not be it, like a pain in your toe, or the feeling of hunger. With some emotions we may need to give them physical expression, with others we can just feel them in the body, keep breathing, relaxing into them, without judgment, or fear, or other forms of resistance, until they dissipate, transmuting into forms of life force that nurture and sustain us.

Some times we can do this on our own, especially with training and practice. Other times it is good to have a friend, partner, community, or professional to help hold space for us, so that we know we are safe and will come out the other side. The key is to have or find a place to stand outside the emotion, from which to do the holding. Then imagine it like an infant and embrace it with compassion and love. When we can do this it will transform and heal, transmuting into spaciousness for you to be more alive, more present, more joyful.

(© 8/11)

TRAVELING MIND

Summer time is often a time for travel. Short trips or long; with family or friends or on your own; to a city, or out in nature; leaving home for a few days or more can put us in a different space. Especially when we are traveling to places we haven't been before. There is an element of adventure in the unknown; the possibility of learning, growing, changing.

When I was young I sometimes traveled on buses across the country. I would meet all sorts of people, see new places and hear new stories. I discovered that I was a different person on the road, more outgoing and adventurous, generally freer. It was a mindset, or perhaps the lack of a mindset, where I was more open and therefore more met. I had more fun, lived a bit more and liked myself better.

Later I went to Japan, where I lived for several years. There I was really outside of all the mental constructs that were familiar; all the social and collective roles and norms where different and unknown. I frequently had the sense of being in a dream like state of mind, where the possibilities were wider open and I had a sense freedom, of living more from myself and who I was, rather than who I thought I should be. Not "knowing" what I was supposed to do, the past was far away, the future was undefined; I lived more in the present, in the moment, even after I had been there for years.

This summer I've made some short trips which have been fluid in their planning and guided at times by spirit. This is naturally the way one lives "on the road" allowing things to unfold; each day full of possibility for the unknown and unexpected. A new friend, or a new sight or smell, are all magical.

Coming home I felt that I brought some of that magic with me. I was able to be in a city I have lived in for 18 years, and know well, and feel that sense of wonder for what the day will being, for who I might meet, or just to see a familiar site with fresh eyes. That dream like sense of being in the present, the joy of the now, and allowing the future to be full of exciting possibility came home with me. This has faded a bit, but it is still with me and I can cultivate that sense of magic, adventure and possibility everyday.

So if you are traveling this summer, allow yourself to find the magic of adventure and the unknown, even in small things; to feel deeply how you engage with a new place or person. Then bring it home with you. Even if you aren't traveling, perhaps you can go to a new park or part of town nearby, or just remember when you were on the road and full of life and adventure.

There is a state of mind, that is simpler, freer, more present; full of adventure and possibility. It is perhaps natural to find this more when we travel, but you can invite this any where any time. This is who you are when the everyday mental matrix is shed like an old skin. Call it up, let your heart fill with the feeling of being in the present, the freedom of possibility, for the day or the hour. You are creating space to be present in your life in a deeper truer way that cannot help but serve your dreams and your heart's desire.

(© 7/11)